The end of relationships: the four horsemen
How the four horsemen relate to the saboteurs of Positive Intelligence™
Studies show that if the four horsemen of communication are present in any relationship, the relationship will end with a 70% likelihood. The four horsemen being: criticism, contempt, stone-walling and defensiveness. What are these, how can they be translated into the saboteurs and what is the antidote?
The metaphor of the four horsemen of the apocalypse comes from the New Testament and desrcibes four ways for the end of times: death, hunger, war and conquest. (Currently it might be us humans, that are the fifth horseman! or perhaps more precisely - social media and smart phones, to be seen...). Just like these four lead to the end of times, relationship researcher John Gottman discovered four negative behaviors, or 'The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,' that spell disaster for any relationship. All of these stem from our own ego/our own judge/inner critic - our agent of survival - that wants to keep us safe and accepted and needed in the tribe.
If more than one person is present - there will be conflict¹. The question is: will the conflict be healthy or unhealthy? Will your saboteurs or sage handle it? Even the most successful relationships, have conflict. It is unavoidable. And through healthy conflict a relationship actually deepens and trust is increased. So, it’s not the existence of conflict, but how it’s managed that predicts the success or failure of a relationship. So how can we better manage conflict and actually welcome it as an opportunity for growth and deeper connection?
The first and most important step in effectively managing conflict is to simply NOTICE The Four Horsemen when they arrive in your conflict discussions.
Criticism
Our inner judge or ego, an agent of survival, is constantly on the search for what is wrong and negative. By giving power to this voice, we awaken the judge of the other person leading to a downward spiral.
Antidote: to speak for ourself - use “I” language. “Why have you not cleaned the kitchen?” vs “For me this is important.. I need... I notice this triggers me”. Stating objectively facts vs judging the other person and avoiding the word why when possible. What if we bring in compassion and say: “honey, I love you, and I am sure you were just about to clean up the kitchen”?
Contempt
When contempt is present, we often position ourselves as superior to someone else and somehow try to bring the other person down: we allow our judge to get the upper hand! Which saboteur is your judge engaging with when you experience contempt?
Antidote: in a team setting, openly discuss how you want to be with each other, set clear rules - what is allowed and not, and create an inspiring vision of your team together. Another antidote is finding within you, what the other person is triggering (usually we don’t like in others, what we actually don’t like in ourselves). Where does our dissatisfaction stem from? What do we actually need? What does your judge actually want for you?
Stone walling
Removing ourselves from situations - not being present, passive behaviour.
The avoider, victim or hyper-rational might find it hard to handle conflicts or emotions - it is easier to freeze and not do anything, than to formulate thoughts and speak. For the counterpart, it usually creates enormous frustration.
Antidote: telling the other person the truth - maybe you need time to reflect, maybe you actually don’t know what to say (say this!), how can we be vulnerable and share something? Do what you need to process your thoughts. If we cannot postpone the interaction: which PQ rep can help you calm your nervous system? Practice being with uncomfortable emotions/ be in the storm. It might not be nice - but we don’t break. Remember: we are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, but for our own actions.
Defensiveness
Saying it is not our fault, it is the other persons fault or that of circumstances. A feeling of one being the victim - to get attention, whereas in reality we push people away and the saboteur gives us the opposite.
Antidote: Become aware of when this happens and simply notice. Say “hello” to the one in you that becomes defensive. What is it opposing? Try to find 10% that you are responsible for in the issue. Could you say one of the following words: “sorry”, “help” or “thank you”?
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